I decided to share publicly what I have been going through… After my latest posts, I know many of you are wondering what’s happening… I am an open book and maybe sharing this will help others cope with their loss.

I am pregnant, but last Tuesday I went for my ultrasound. Supposedly I was 7 weeks along due to the calculation from my last period but the Ultrasound measured me at 6 weeks. I Was told there was no fetal heartbeat and that the baby was dating 6 weeks. This was obviously not a great sign and I was crushed.
So looks like a missed miscarriage… I was in complete shock and not what I was expecting at my first ultrasound.

My husband and I were so excited! Although it was a completely unexpected as we already have 3 year old twins and weren’t trying for another baby at this time. But once I found out I was pregnant I was super happy and excited. I was already planning so many things and just overwhelmed with Joy.

I had a rough pregnancy with my twins that ended up with preterm labor so I was excited to experience just one baby and carry the baby to term.

I was sent to do a blood test to see where my HCG levels were at. The results showed that my levels were at 17965 HCG which is fairly high for being at this stage in a pregnancy. I was told by the Dr. to wait to come back and get another blood test in a few days. Thursday arrived and my HCG levels went up to 21,300! Definitely not what the Doc was expecting, as they should have gone up almost double. The good news is that they didn’t decrease…

The Doctor asked me to comeback in for another Ultrasound so she can see if they could detect a heart beat or see any growth in the baby.
So far I have had no cramping and no spotting. So I was just confused as to what was going on. The waiting was the hard part. Not knowing what was going on and the uncertainty wasn’t fun.

Why is the HCG level high if the baby died in utero 2 weeks ago? Many questions were going through my head and it’s been a very emotional week. I’m pretty much have been in every pregnancy forum/blog etc. about miscarries. That was probably the worst thing to do as it freaked me out and confused me more than helped me.

I have been emotional eating, waking up in the middle of the night to eat, stopped training and not sleeping well. It’s like I couldn’t move or do anything until I knew 100% whether the baby was healthy or not.

What worried me the most is that I stopped feeling pregnant… I knew I was pregnant well before 3 weeks as symptoms were sooo strong. Then around 6 weeks, all symptoms literally disappeared – you wouldn’t even known I was pregnant. I had pregnancy acne, sore breast and nausea and suddenly all symptoms stopped.

Today, Monday, a week after my first Ultrasound I went back again for another Ultrasound. Right away I could see that the baby looked smaller than before. I was suppose to be 8 weeks and I measured less than 6, meaning that the growth had stopped 2 weeks ago. There was no heart beat and the Dr. said there is no more hope.

I am devastated! As much as I knew inside I lost my baby I was praying for a miracle… I just knew that something wasn’t right. I really wasn’t shocked today when the sonographer told me there was no heartbeat again.

I actually found closure today.

We will move on and be strong as we have to for our children.
I now have 3 options:

Take medication to start miscarriage, go to hospital for a D&C or just wait for nature to decide.

If you have gone thru this what way is best for healing? Natural or a D&C?

Please comment below.

I think I should take the medication to speed the process since I have some traveling coming up and it would be devastating to go through this in a hotel room without my husband by my side. This way I can be home and manage with my husband and family.

I know miscarriages are quite common but when it happens to you personally, it’s a very traumatic experience, both emotionally and physically. For everybody going through this, my heart is with you all.

I just want the whole miscarriage itself to be over with so I can get on with the healing process. I’m so distraught now and just trying to cope… but it’s not even over yet. I’m still technically pregnant. And it’s tearing me apart.

#myheartisbroken

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